Funny Stuff to Share

Oz, I cant thank you enough for posting 'The List'. A friend of mine emailed a similiar list to me a few years ago and I saved it so I could go back and laugh my ass off anytime I wanted, lol. I am adding the extras from my list here. Note the numbers are out of order and some are missing...this is because I didnt want to duplicate Oz's list items :o))

Funny Thoughts

2. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

4. I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

5. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

8. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

11. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the fuck was going on when I first saw it.

12. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

13. The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already hopped on highway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom. Eventually I decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walk over there, but ran into a guy coming the other way. We played that, Both go left, Both go right game to no avail, so I finally put out my hand to guide myself past and that's is when I realized, yup, that's a mirror I just tried to walk through. And the guy on the other side is me. Even cats can recognize their own image.

15. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

17. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

18. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

20. Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

22. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

23. My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.

24. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

27. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

28. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

29. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

32. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

37. Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

38. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

39. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

40. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

43. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

45. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

46. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

47. While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.

48. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

49. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

50. When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

51. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

52. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

53. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

55. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

57. I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

58. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

59. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time...

60. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

61. It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

62. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

65. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.